Source: EVG Kowalievska / PEXEL.COM
Honestly, ladies, I’ve never dreamt of my wedding day or wedding dress. I do, however, remember my mother randomly sharing with me how she would be more than willing to drop $5,000 for it the day I decided to walk down the aisle, though. I’ll never forget looking at her like she had lost her mind! We were in a cute boutique hotel in Philly watching Say Yes to the Dress, and she randomly mentioned that when we went to find my dress, one day, she had a cute few stacks to drop on your girl. I was shocked at the amount because I never thought of spending that much on a dress. But I also was taken aback by the word we. No offense, I love my mom, but that threw me off. At that moment, while I didn’t say anything to her, I knew that not only did I not see myself having my mother with me if I ever needed to look for a wedding dress, but I didn’t see anyone being there with me at all.
I quietly thought, no one will be invited to help me pick my wedding dress. It just didn’t feel like an event to have anyone’s input, even my lovely mommy.
A big wedding has never been something I’ve thought too hard about having, nor spending more than say $1,000 on a dress. Maybe I’m frugal, or maybe I just don’t find a wedding dress to be that important to spend a fraction of a house downpayment on. Regardless of my reasoning, I knew that I wouldn’t want anyone there to assist me no matter how much it costs.
Why? Well, mostly because I don’t want any influences other than my own selecting what could be a dress I only wear once in my life, for one of the biggest days of my life. It just feels odd to include insight from people, who I love dearly, give their opinion on something so major that only I would wear. I barely like to go shopping with friends, as I enjoy taking my time meandering through department store aisles and modeling my selections in the fitting rooms.
To be honest, I thought I was a bit crazy to affirm this feeling until I left a comment under Instagram influencer De’Marcus Shawn’s hilarious post, acting out a scene from a potential mother-and-daughter duo wedding dress shopping. What did I say? Well, no one will be with me if I ever get married and go dress shopping. I didn’t expect the number of responses to my comment that I got, especially those who agreed with me.
Twenty-five responses later, I realized I definitely wasn’t alone and furthermore, some women wished they would have gone shopping for their dresses by themselves. @iamlisamarie confirmed my thoughts with her own anecdotal comment, stating that “no one can see my dress until the day of my wedding. Mainly because of the unique color it’s going to be, but not even my momma can come with me.” Okay, Sis!
She wasn’t the only woman in agreement with my stance, with @yonnaplease adding that she “invited” her “friends” to go wedding dress shopping with her, but not her mom because “she judged every photo” she sent her. “I just wanted everyone to be there to support me. Best decision!” she added.
It may not seem like it’s that serious, but for many women, the wedding dress is the main character of the ceremony. It’s the breathtaking moment that the guests, the bridal party, the groom, and all those in attendance wait on pins and needles for.
I can recall a portion of the episode my mother and I were watching while relaxing in the hotel suite before our dinner reservation. The mother and mother-in-law were assisting, or trying to, the bride-to-be and they were driving her crazy. It was such a cringeworthy watch, especially since the woman didn’t end up with the dress she wanted, but what her mom, sisters, and mother-in-law decided she looked best in. Part of that reasoning was that they were collectively paying for the dress. Manipulative, if you ask me. But, I can understand why a woman would accept and consider the input of someone who was spending money or paying for her dress in full. However, that doesn’t, in my opinion, equate to someone being able to dictate the wedding dress of your dreams.
Being in my 30s, I have friends who are married, divorced, and some even re-married, that had their own perspectives on this topic. After sending a mass text to get their thoughts, I waited patiently, assuming most would (or did) have their mothers or close female friends and family members in attendance. Yet to my surprise, the responses were hella mixed.
My friend and media personality, Syreeta Martin, 34, hilariously made it clear that while she would “absolutely” not only have her mom and two daughters involved in the dress selection, they wouldn’t be the deciding factors of said dress. “My voice, my choice, my style, my dress. Period!” she texted back quickly. But she did explain the importance of her mother and two beautiful daughters’ presence if or when this special moment happened.
“I absolutely would have my mom involved. I value and appreciate her sense of style,” she went on to add. “I also recognize how special of a time that would be for her as a mother. I’d want her to have that moment. I would also have my daughters present. It would be imperative to have their love and energy present every step of the way as it would be a piece of our shared history and legacy.”
Ashley Winters, 34 and out of Houston, TX, actually did invite her mom and aunt for her first dress appointment, but then decided that on her second she would do things a bit differently without them. “I allowed my mom and aunt to come to my first dress appointment, but after the experience, I decided to just go with a friend to my next one. It was at my second dress appointment, with my friend, that I selected my dress. My mom of course was not happy, and when I showed her my dress, I knew by her response that she didn’t like it.” When I asked her why she chose not to bring her mom and aunt back, she bluntly noted that “sometimes I have allowed my moms response to things I truly liked deter me, and I didn’t want that for my bridal experience. I just needed to make a decision that I felt good about without the influence or opinions of my mom.”
More than fair enough, I thought reading her texts. I also loved that she used the word “allowed”. She allowed her mom and aunt to come along, and when it didn’t feel right, she pivoted and took a close friend instead. While her mom’s assurance wasn’t needed for the dress she chose, she was happy to share that her mom eventually saw the vision.”[It] wasn’t until my wedding day that she told me, ‘I didn’t see your vision at first, but you look absolutely beautiful.’”
I’ll admit, Ashley’s story made me think about potentially bringing a close friend who understands my style. But I still feel that the initial search for this phantom dress would have to begin with me, and only me. I can see me bringing along my mom and close friend(s) to the fittings after I’ve selected my top two or three. But even that’s pushing it a bit for me. What if the reveal to them is uncomfortable? What if they truly hate it and it shows all over their faces? I just wouldn’t want anyone pulling me away from my dream dress.
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Nikki, 35, shared a similar experience with Ashley that eventually led to her choosing her dress alone. “I had an initial appointment with my mom and a couple of my girlfriends when I went dress shopping but found that I was too overwhelmed and couldn’t make up my mind. So I went back to the bridal salon on a different day and made a decision on my own. After having the freedom to browse and compare in a moment of stillness, I was able to figure out what I wanted.” Lenora Houseworth, a 39-year-old fabulous writer, and divorcee, eloped when she got married in her early 30s, but declared she’d love her mom’s input and presence for the next wedding. “I did not live in the same state as my mom and because I eloped, there was just no time for her to fly in and shop with me. I am divorced now, but when I get married again, I will absolutely have my mother with me the next time.”
Overall, the girls fed my soul advice and anecdotes that not only confirmed my feelings around this topic but also inspired me to be a bit flexible if and when this moment happens. Does that mean mom, sis and all of my friends will be there to yay or nay my choice? Absolutely not. I still stand ten toes down on making my initial selection(s). But after hearing the diverse stories from Black women who are married, want to be married or who were married, I’m very clear on the fact that when the time comes for me to finalize my wedding dress selection, no one else’s opinion will be considered.
Thankfully, my cousin Rasheda, the only granddaughter who has been married, supports my decision if the family (particularly my mom) throws a fit around my choice. “Listen, do what works for you. If you love it, it’s your day so it doesn’t really matter what others say. But if you [end up] looking crazy don’t say why didn’t anybody tell me, lol!”
Now you know I gave her a side-eye to that last part (the shade!), but I also feel like if I’m going to end up looking “crazy”, it’s because I chose the dress that I wanted, and honestly, that’s more than enough for me.
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