OPINION: Parents cannot control children the way dog owners control dogs
Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.
I don’t know what’s wrong with these restaurants nowadays. Some of them have lost their minds. When you go to a restaurant, you should feel like you’ve been welcomed into someone’s home, or some world they’ve created. You should feel at home. The restaurant is there to take care of you. When I saw all of The Real Milk & Honey’s many, many rules for diners I was offended on behalf of people who would be willing to go there. That ain’t right. But far worse than that long list of rules is a single rule at a restaurant in rural Georgia called Toccoa Riverside Restaurant.
They printed it right on the menu: “Adult surcharge: For adults unable to parent $$$.” The world found out about this a few days ago after five families went there for dinner with their children. It was like nine adults and 11 kids. Each of the three families got hit with a $50 charge because, according to the restaurant, the kids were being “too loud” and were “running around outside.” The parents completely dispute this characterization of the children’s behavior. “The kids were sitting at one end of the table, and they were being so good,” one of the parents told the “Today” show. “I even commented halfway through the meal, ‘I can’t believe how well-behaved they are.’” [Author’s note: the families in this conflagration are white. Do whatever you want with that information.]
I don’t know what really happened here, but the restaurant’s rule is incredibly offensive. The central idea is that parents should be punished and fined for being “unable to parent” which, in this context, means being unable to force children to sit still and be quiet on command. In this mindset, parents are expected to restrain kids the same way dog owners are expected to restrain dogs.
In the real world, parents do not control children. No one can control children. You can only guide them. You can tell them what you want from them, but you can never be certain if they’ll do what you ask. Growing bodies can be tumultuous. Kids may be mature or chill in one moment and wild the next. That’s hormones and other chemicals talking. We can ask them to keep their voices down. We can ask them to sit nicely, but there’s no guarantee that a child is even able to follow your request at any given time.
I can hear some of you saying, “If you give them a little pop they’ll fall right in line.” Or, “You know, just threaten to tear that ass up when you get home. That’ll make ‘em be good instantly.” What? Consider this a public service announcement: if you think parents are failing to control their children because we are not being violent enough with our children, then you are a monster. I mean that word with my whole chest.
Many Black people still think children should be hit for misbehaving, and you are completely wrong. Physical discipline is harmful and ineffective, according to the American Psychological Association. Children should never be hit, and they should never be threatened with violence either. If you disagree, you should listen to my interview with Dr. Stacey Patton (who is Black). She’s spent her entire professional life studying the impact of corporal punishment. She’s a virtual anti-spanking advocate. She wrote a great book titled “Spare The Rod.” She told me, “Spanking children is the whitest thing you can do.” It’s a holdover from slavery, but you keep on advocating for the behavior that massa taught us.
When I was a small kid I got spanked several times for misbehaving in restaurants. I said “several times” because my father’s violence — a stiff hand to the butt — did not cure anything. I got spanked, and the next time I did it again. Why? I can now see that I was too immature to be able to modulate my behavior. I was too young to avoid doing the things that I was getting spanked for. The violence did not change my behavior because I could not change my behavior.
But the initial point, that small children are being bad if they’re making loud sounds in a public space, is insane. They might be reacting to hunger, or they may be reacting to being flush with energy because they just finished eating. Either way, it doesn’t mean they’re bad or disrespectful. We, as adults, should know that it’s a lot to ask children to sit still and keep their voices low for a couple of hours. Also, adults do not have the right to expect public spaces to conform to our personal whims.
There’s this strange fantasy I hear from childless people sometimes. Some of them dream of a world where they never have to encounter children. They want restaurants where children can’t go and kid-free museums and airlines that ban little ones. I hear that last one a lot. One time someone who is childless told me that it’s rude for parents to bring children on long flights. What? We must share public spaces with all sorts of people of different ages and races and body types and on and on. We don’t have to like them. We just have to respect them. This includes children.
Although restaurants may legally set minimum age requirements for guests and at least two airlines offer child-free seating, we should not expect that a plane or a restaurant will be child-free. To want that is to expect a massive amount of control over spaces accessible to the public because of your own personal taste. Should we also ban all women because you don’t like them or all Boston Red Sox fans because you’re still upset about the 2004 ALCS? Also, to ban children from certain public spaces effectively means banning parents. Parents know that quite often you can’t leave your children at home, or you don’t want to. Frankly, we shouldn’t have to leave our kids at home to make childless people feel better. People who aren’t raising children should have more empathy for those of us who are raising the next generation. We’re tired, y’all.
If a restaurant’s diners or staff or management have an issue with the behavior of children in their establishment they should not fine parents. The right way to handle it would be to address it in the moment. Have a manager speak to a parent. Just say, “Hey, your children are being a little unruly. Can you please try to quiet them down or maybe take them outside?” Or, this may sound radical but stay with me. Maybe all of the adults in the situation should find some grace and excuse the children’s behavior. We all know that it takes a village, so when you’re stigmatizing people for bringing their children out to dinner at a restaurant you’re not a part of the problem, you’re the whole problem.
Touré is a host and Creative Director at theGrio. He is the host of Masters of the Game on theGrioTV. He is also the host and creator of the docuseries podcast “Being Black: The ’80s” and the animated show “Star Stories with Toure” which you can find at TheGrio.com/starstories. He is also the host of the podcast “Toure Show” and the podcast docuseries “Who Was Prince?” He is the author of eight books including the Prince biography Nothing Compares 2 U and the ebook The Ivy League Counterfeiter.
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