For better or worse, successful co-parenting means communicating whether you like it or not, and — unfortunately — a lot more than you want to.
First, let me say that I am by no means an expert in co-parenting. I’ve only been doing it a couple of years. In that time, what I’ve learned is this: Successful co-parenting means communicating whether you like it or not, and — unfortunately — communicating a lot more than you want to.
The good news is your child’s other parent is invested in your child’s health and growth. The bad news is that every bump in the road should be communicated, and you’re inevitably going to see your ex a lot — parent-teacher conferences, holidays, the pediatrician, birthdays, you name it.
So, how do you survive and manage to communicate?
No arguments in front of the kids
My ex and I have both agreed that our children come first, and that includes before all of our — for lack of a better word — BS. While our relationship was never physically abusive, there were times when loud arguments happened in front of the kids, despite my best efforts. Now, we have set boundaries. Not only is there no arguing in front of the kids, but we do not argue at handoffs or in the same household. If there is something to be said, we speak about it over the phone at night after the kids are asleep or by text or email.
I prefer text and email because — for the life of me — I cannot fix my face. But, more importantly, issues are written down and documented. There is time to reflect on what is said and what you want to say before you hit send.
Keep the co-parent informed
Promptly forward school emails or get your co-parent put on the list to receive them. Text about upcoming important dates. Make a joint login for the doctor’s office portal. Not only does this make them feel included, but you have receipts that you have done your best to keep them up to date.
Treat your co-parent like a co-worker
Nothing more, especially if you recently split. Your work is your kids. Talk only about the kids. If it is not relevant to the kids, don’t do it. Do not curse. Do not bring up a past failure. Don’t get into what could have/should have been, even if they “want to understand.” No. If it’s not about the kids, do not engage.
Be kind
Just because you’re co-workers now doesn’t mean you have to be completely cold, nor does it mean you need to go Tia Mowry’s route and say “I love you” to your ex every day, as revealed in Us.
The other day, my son said, “Mommy is beautiful,” to my ex, and he said, “Yes, Mommy is beautiful.” Later, I went up to him and told him that it meant a lot. Compliment the gift they bought for your child, the pictures they took of the kids or if they show up early. But be sincere.
Undercover vent
Your ex is on your last nerve, and you just want to vent to your friend. Do not pick up the phone and call. Kids hear everything. Find ways around it. My sister and I speak Spanish; my kids do not yet. (When they do, I’m going to have to find another way.) If your kids can’t read, pass notes back and forth. Or wait until it’s your partner’s turn with the kids and set aside time to see friends, and vent that way.
Shut down trash talk
When I call my dad on the phone in the car, I let him know the kids are there, and he is on speaker. No matter how disappointed I am or he is with my ex, he isn’t allowed to speak about it when they can hear him.
Put kids first
At the end of the day, you have to put your kid first. So, your kid wants to talk to their parent, and you just don’t want to hear their voice today? Too bad. Pick up the phone and call. Make it clear from the jump that it is the child who wants to speak, and let the conversation happen.
Your sister thinks you shouldn’t let your ex see the kids because he missed last weekend? If the kids are going to be safe and taken care of, let him see them. If Kim Kardashian can play Kanye’s songs in the car when his kids ask, you can answer the phone.
Find a divorce/separation therapist
Yup, you’re working on it. Nope, couples therapy did not work — but we aren’t talking about couples therapy or maintaining the relationship as it was anymore. The goal is to set boundaries going forward, to communicate and find compromises to your parenting styles. It may predominantly be a millennial and Gen Z thing, but we remember the horrendous divorces of our parents.
Aja Hannah is a writer, traveler, and mama. As secretary of the Society of America Travel Writers: Central States Chapter, she prioritizes travel with an ecotourism or human-first focus. She believes in the Oxford comma, cheap flights, and a daily dose of chocolate.
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