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In Communion: The Female Search for Love, feminist scholar, bell hooks’ book about romantic love, she recounts her common law marriage to a man whom she thought espoused the feminist qualities she was looking for in a partner. They were together from the time hooks was a student at Stanford University into her thirties. He was also an academic but years older. After some time together, she earned a position teaching at an Ivy League school across the country, but he didn’t want to relocate with her, though she had followed him throughout his professional career.
Hooks writes, that a woman cited in a book she read complained that “…so many women like herself, were caught in a ‘myth-warp,’ doomed never to find a life companion because [her] generation is incapable of producing the evolutionary male that a woman’s changed consciousness needs and expects.” Though this sentiment about heterosexual relationships during the beginnings of the feminist movement might still be true of relationships today, Black women today face an even graver situation.
Moving across the country for someone is a big offering. But if two people are in love, then each must be willing to sacrifice for the other. Since I never had to make a major life decision for someone else, I’m not sure I can or would. I have never been in a relationship where making that kind of decision was necessary, and I’m almost 45 years old. To be honest, I haven’t considered someone my boyfriend since high school. Knowing what love feels like, inhibited me from sharing my real feelings, thoughts, or fears with casual romantic interests, and honest communication is required in a serious relationship.
I was recently seeing someone who is honestly “a nice guy.” He’s nice enough to get what he wants. Being with him, I felt there was a chance for our future, but he didn’t want to be in a serious relationship with me. To be fair to him, I don’t know if he wants to be in a serious relationship at all. But if I am going to spend time with someone, I want it to matter to them and to me. I want us to consider the future together. I don’t plan on having any children, but can we have goals for retirement?
Some nights when watching TV, I long to crack a joke or share an observation with someone. At those times, I might yearn for a partner and open a dating app to see who’s out there. After two days of a little activity on the dating apps, I get discouraged enough to hide my profile. Then I’m back to normal. As someone with schizophrenia, I feel comfortable talking to myself. I usually make myself laugh uproariously and revel in my keen observations alone. So, most of the time, I’m not lonely. But not everyone wants to talk to themselves.
My friends are not as weird as me. They probably would rather have conversations with someone else. Honestly, I think I know the reason I ended up talking to myself; my real man might be dead or in jail. I feel solace in accepting this notion about my single status as a fact of life. But I was interested in this statistic, so I looked it up.
A 2019 article in Governing: The Future of States and Localities titled, “Where Have All the Black Men Gone?” by Mike Maciag reported, “Nationally, the Census Bureau counts 88 Black male adults for every 100 Black women, while the ratio for whites is a more equal 97 men for every 100 women.” The article cites mass incarceration, high mortality, and also homelessness as reasons there is a disparity between Black women and men between the ages of 18 – 64 years old.
I try to hold my tongue around my friends when they complain about not finding love. I had an assumption about their loneliness but didn’t want to seem negative or depressing. Speaking for myself, especially, since I’m attracted to very masculine men who like to take care of their business, the statistic is sobering. There are so many troubling ways Black men like that can use those qualities. So, they might be out in these streets doing just that. I’m not totally innocent, so it’s true that if the same guy had resources, opportunity, and love, he could be quite successful.
For Black women, dating today is a game more than anything else. And the odds are stacked against us. Probably a third of the women I know are married. The rest, single. When the stakes are raised to serious relationships, men are quicker to place a bet on the winningest woman because they know the odds are in their favor. The “good guys” value more substantial relationships. But who likes a good guy, right? Women like me are excited by the chase just as much as men. So, women like me are relegated to playing a game of Russian roulette with our lives while men are sleeping with multiple single women because there is a surplus.
A lot of men are really taking advantage of the situation. But what would some of us women do if they weren’t taking advantage of the situation? Many of us would be bored and lonely. We take what we can from them even though we know they aren’t giving us their all. We accept it because we think it’s all we can get.
I recently reconnected with a boyfriend. He lives in another state, and he wanted to visit me. I told him about the hotel up the street and he told me that he was staying with me. I haven’t been with this man in more than 20 years, but I guess because I’m single, I must be thirsty. I reminded him that he is married, and he confessed to being polyamorous. He explained that he thinks polyamory should be more widely accepted. And he continued to defend his case by telling me that, with polyamory, having children between two adequate people is the best course of action to make a thriving community.
Though there is the Governing article about the disparity between Black women and men, I wonder why more isn’t written on this subject. How can we mend this disparity? What can we do for Black boys, so they won’t end up dead or in jail before they reach maturity? How can we support Black women who are alone and lonely? What do we need to do to solve this problem?
Close friendships are important for Black women who are single and feel lonely. These relationships allow us to express ourselves and free our emotions. Some women will turn to romantic relationships with other women. They may be satisfied with the intimacy that queer love provides. Maybe having open and honest polyamorous relationships will be the answer for others. Sharing a partner might be enough emotional support. Those of us who await reformed men as they are released from prison may flourish with the progressive thinking of our changed times. But nothing can bring back the dead.
While bell hooks demonstrates the kind of support she required as a feminist, exerting those kinds of preferences reduces my chances of having a relationship with a man exponentially. At times, I’ve lowered my standards and bent backwards for men who see me as a meal ticket or easy lay. I may never be in love with someone else again, but I’ll be sure to love myself; my jokes are quite hilarious and observations very keen. No one will deprive me of that love.
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