The 2022 Wypipo Awards

OPINION: 2022 was a banner year for whiteness. Here are our choices for the standouts who earned well-deserved accolades for their achievements in wypipoing.

Five years ago, the National Organization of Tireless American Liars and Lowlifes Working Year-round to Preserve Inequality, Prejudice and Oppression (NOTALLWYPIPO) embarked upon a mission to honor the notable achievements of America’s underwashclothed community.

Despite rewarding the melanin-impaired community with a disproportionate number of Grammys, Tonys, Oscars, Emmys, political access, judicial appointments, financial wealth, educational opportunity and social capital since the day they began their quest to steal an entire continent, the world tends to ignore the most crucial aspect of Caucasian contributions:

Wypipoing.

What is wypipoing? Wypipoing is calling oneself a “patriot” while waving a confederate flag. Wypipoing is whining about widespread voter fraud while rubber-stamping gerrymandering, voter suppression and felon disenfranchisement. Wypipoing is screaming about freedom of speech while outlawing critical race theory. And if you find the term “wypipoing” offensive…

Congratulations, you’re wypipoing!

At the end of every year, we gather a diverse panel of wypipologists to nominate the worst and whitest in politics, news, entertainment and overall caucasity. Our slate of electors includes Black people, African Americans, people who can’t shop in Victoria’s Secret’s “nude” section and women who use edge control.

As we always point out that not all white people can qualify for these accolades. However, if a white person has ever used the phrase “not all white people,” they are probably eligible.

Today, we recognize white excellence:

Here are the 2022 nominees and winners:

Worst new wypipo

Sam Bankman-Fried: The Bernie Madoff of cryptocurrency made off with a lot of people’s pretend money. If I were him, I’d argue that crypto is not real money, and how can you steal something that’s not real?
Kari Lake: After the Arizona Republican lost her quest to become her state’s next governor, she blamed her defeat on voter suppression after championing her state’s legislative effort to suppress votes.
George Santos: Some may question New York’s representative-elect nomination because he is not white. But Santos also claimed he was Jewish, employed and educated — none of which was true. In fact, an unqualified, uneducated liar receiving a promotion is the definition of whiteness.
Maggie Haberman: Apparently, the New York Times reporter didn’t know that Donald Trump was racist until she wrote a New York Times bestseller about Donald Trump based on her reporting at the New York Times.

And the winner is: Ashli Babbit

Although the 36-year-old was killed in the 2021 caucasian coup, Babbitt became a martyr of the white riot and looting movement in 2022. Somehow, the people who scream about violent protesters, thugs and “law and order” were willing to overlook Insurrection Becky’s misdeeds, which is why she deserves this honor.

White tears award

Imagination hateration: White people were really upset about Black people playing fictional characters, including the Little Mermaid, a negro Hobbit and a blonde dragon-rider. Real privilege is getting fake angry about fake characters in a fake story.
Kari Lake: Apparently, it’s newsworthy when an election denier denies the results of an election.
Student debt relief: After receiving a disproportionate amount of farm aid, PPP loans and education funding, white people actually argued that forgiving loans and receiving government handouts made people irresponsible.
White mothers: In 2022, white parents threw tantrums about masks, CRT, the gay agenda, trans athletes and making their children feel bad.

And the winner is: Cancel culture

Sadly, Elon Musk, Joe Rogan, Bill Maher, Dave Chapelle, Kyrie Irving, police, Jesus, Mary and Joseph were all “canceled” in 2022. Elon Musk is still rich, Rogan, Maher and Irving are still employed, Chappelle is still selling out arenas and Christianity is still pretty popular. But they are still victims, trust me.

Being canceled is just people “finding out” after deciding to “f**k around.”

Worst wypipoing by a duo or group

The GOP: The Republican party ditched Donald Trump year. They didn’t change their racist policies, admit that he lost the election or embrace democracy — all things Trump supports. Yet, somehow, they’ve “rejected Trumpism.”
Moms for Liberty: This group of white moms took over school boards to prevent schools from promoting agendas like CRT, global warming and antiracism. After all, since when were white people required to learn about history, science or equality?
Anti-woke movement: Just as they did with critical race theory, political correctness and “Black Power,” in 2022, white people took a term that Black people have used for years, redefined it and demonized it for their own political purposes.
Rappers: Say what you will but there’s no denying that the hip-hop community united in 2022 to support whiteness. Sure, Ye was a trailblazer, but we can’t forget how 50 Cent, Da Baby and Drake didn’t just support a man who fired a killing machine at an unarmed Black woman; they took every opportunity to mock Megan Thee Stallion. But they didn’t reserve their BS for Black women. Uncle Luke & Killer Mike fueled the unfounded myth about Black male voters, Nicki Minaj became a medical expert and Akon mirrored white people’s criticisms of Black Americans.

And the winner is: The police

2022 was a great year for law enforcement wypipoing. George Floyd’s killers were convicted of murder; the Uvalde Police Department was exposed as cowards, the Secret Service destroyed phone records, at least 19 law enforcement officers participated in the Jan. 6 insurrection and the GOP turned against the FBI. In spite of the mountain of evidence that police are criminals who don’t stop crime, President Joe Biden began an effort to increase police funding.

By the way, whatever happened to that police reform bill?

Whiteboi of the year

Tucker Carlson: Fox News’ chief white nationalist had a banner year in ratings and dominating the narrative. He normalized the “great replacement theory,” attacked every notable Black woman and invited Ye on to showcase his antisemitic rhetoric
Ron DeSantis: Not only did the Florida governor lead movements in anti-wokism, homophobia, fake history, anti-vaxxing, anti-masking, and more, DeSantis emerged as the likely Republican nominee for president in 2024 because that’s what God wants.
Joe Rogan: To be fair, Rogan has enjoyed using the most incendiary racial slur for years. He has platformed white supremacists for years. He has spread fake science for years. He has been a God among white boys for years. But in 2022, everyone paid more attention.
Brett Favre: Brett Favre became the poster child for the white welfare queen (Yes, it’s “queen.” Welfare is gender neutral) in 2022 when investigators discovered his plot to build a volleyball court with food stamps.

And the winner is: Elon Musk

To protect free speech and Democratic principles, Musk purchased Twitter with money he borrowed from autocratic speech suppressors. The corporate genius then proceeded to limit speech and drive his corporation’s stock into the ground, exposing himself as an egomaniacal hypocrite. Basically, Elon Musk is the Joe Rogan of Ron DeSantises.

Or maybe, according to Dave Chapelle, our seats aren’t close enough to see Musk’s genius.

Karen of the year

Kyrsten Sinema: The Arizona ~~Democrat~~ Independent did a lot of good work for people who aren’t Democrats or from Arizona. To be fair, she left the party and the people who enabled her to become a senator.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: The wicked witch of white supremacy went all-in on QAnon, election denial, MAGA and everything else this year. If she hadn’t embraced the Nation of Islam, violent protest and racism in the criminal justice system, she may have won this award.
Ginny Thomas: The insurrectionist, autocratic, un-American wife of Clarence Thomas is a bigger threat to the country than Marxism, critical race theory and all the “radical un-Americans” combined. But she’s married to a Black man, so she can’t be racist.

And the winner is: white women

For most of the year, white women were not even in running for a nomination. They were fighting for reproductive rights, were involved in a racial reckoning and joined the “Me Too” movement. Maybe Trump had taught them a valuable lesson. Then, when it was time for them to put their ballot where their mouth was, 53 percent of white women voted for the party that opposed their reproductive rights, safety and equality.

Not all white women…

Just the statistical majority of white women.

Big White Lie of the Year

The great replacement theory: This insane conspiracy posits that Hispanic immigrants, Black people and non-Christians have teamed up with the Democratic Party to ethnically cleanse America of whiteness. Despite white people making up the majority of the Democratic Party, great replacement conspiracy theorists include Elon Musk, Tucker Carlson, a mass murdering racial terrorist.
Critical race theory: Black scholars from WE.B. Du Bois to Derrick Bell have examined the law, history and economics through a racial lens for more than 100 years. But in 2022, white people discovered CRT and redefined it as anything that actually happened that makes white people feel bad.
Widespread voter fraud: The scammers working for the state of Arizona never found it. Employees for Ron DeSantis’ CSI Florida voting unit are still looking for it. Local, federal and state courts have dismissed more than 50 of Donald Trump’s lawsuits claiming voter fraud. The only person who claims to have evidence is the high school dropout congresswoman with a criminal record longer than Tupac’s and a crack-smoking pillow salesman.
Black male haters: Fueled by lousy reporting, boomerang leftists and Killer Mike, the narrative that Black men were leaving the Democratic party, rejecting Stacey Abrams and turning into Republicans was disproven by facts and election results.

And the winner is: The agenda against white babies

In 2022, everyone had an evil agenda. The gays were trying to switch your kids’ sexuality. Using a person’s preferred pronouns was a trick to change children’s genders. Third-grade teachers were ruining white kids’ self-esteem by teaching graduate-level legal theory. Ibram Kendi and Nikole Hannah-Jones were creating a generation of people who hate the Founding Fathers. Dr. Fauci was trying to cover their faces with masks so he could inject them with the government’s 5G cell service serum. Planned Parenthood was killing babies. Biden was manipulating the baby formula supply. Reparations advocates were making white kids pay for the sins of their forefathers.

Meanwhile, they rejected the one provision in Black people’s actual agenda.

To be free.

Best supporting wypipo

Candace Owens: The perennial favorite was disqualified when our committee learned that she was sponsored by the White Lives Matter movement.
Jason Whitlock: Jason Whitlock hates everything Black. He is probably more dedicated to supporting whiteness than most of the people on this list. If his arguments weren’t so consistently vapid, he’d make an effective token negro.
Rashida Jones: When the MSNBC news director fired Tiffany Cross, a spokesman told theGrio it was just a “business decision.” Under her leadership, the network has also lost Craig Melvin, Zerlina Maxwell and 4/5ths of Rachel Maddow. To be fair, it’s possible that Jones is just bad at her job, which is actually pretty white.
Van Jones: The apologetically Black activist begged forgiveness on behalf of Black people from one of the wealthiest, most financially privileged demographics in America. Because everyone knows that Black people are the ones who are oppressing the Jews.

And the winner is: Herschel Walker

The fact that an intellectually challenged, uneducated guy who made a living running into people managed to almost become a senator is an achievement in and of itself. When you add in the fact that he did it while dodging children that he sprinkled across the country after singlehandedly funding abortion providers anonymously during his job as an undercover cop, Walker’s accomplishments must be applauded.

Wypipo of the year

White worriers: White people were so concerned about democracy, child safety, reverse racism and religious liberty this year, they passed laws to discriminate against children, voters and women who don’t believe Jesus wants state legislatures to control their vaginas.
Racists with guns: The white supremacist massacre in Buffalo, the growing militia movement, The mass shooting at a Colorado gay club, and the armed protestors at drag shows made 2022 a banner year for armed bigots on patrol.
Christian nationalists: What happens when white nationalist ideology meets the Christian identity movement? Christian nationalism is slowly replacing Evangelical Christianity as the premiere movement for white America. It’s like Marjorie Taylor Greene had a baby with Hitler, something I’m sure she’s dreamed about.
The U.S Supreme Court: This year, the conservative majority took a flamethrower to reproductive rights, representative election maps, religious liberty, voting rights, affirmative action, health care, separation of church and state and immigration law. They protected Ginni Thomas, gerrymandering, voter suppression, sexism, Christian theocracy and whiteness. In fact, if it wasn’t for the Supreme Court, none of the other nominees in this category would be successful.

And the winner is: white backlash

In 2022, not only did the vast majority of white people (58 percent) support politicians who want to restrict voting rights, criminalize Black history, and ignore police brutality, they were the only racial and ethnic group who voted Republican. No other group even came close.

Whatever happened to that racial reckoning? Remember last year when white people promised to learn about Black history and fight for equality? Remember how they pledged money for Black-led organizations and stood in solidarity with Black protesters? They haven’t just reversed course, they are seeking to make America a less perfect union.

In a ceremony held earlier, the following people received awards in a ceremony held earlier:

The whitest thing that happened this year: The national screening of the sprint by Josh Harley, the cowardly liar.
Crime of the Year: Greg Abbott and Ron DeSantis’ government-sanctioned human trafficking cartel.
Wypipo Word of the Year: Woke
Outrage of the Year: People who whitesplain away police brutality condemning Will Smith for an unforgivable act of violence.
White Fictional Character of the Year: Elon Musk’s genius.
Black Fictional Character of the Year: The Martin Luther King who didn’t believe America was a racist country.

Lifetime achievement award: White Jesus

Perhaps no one in the entire history of whiteness has accomplished more than the beloved mythical blue-eyed, sandy-blonde Scandinavian messiah who god gave to the earth on Christmas morning. Not to be confused with Yeshua ben Yosef, the Caucasian Christ’s resume reflects the triumph of wypipoing on the highest level.

White Jesus was born to Mary and Joseph Christ on Dec. 25, 0000 B.C. in a Holiday Inn manger. While he was still in the barnyard maternity ward, three wise men traveled to Bethlehem to throw a baby shower. Instead of giving him a gift certificate to Osh Kosh, the ancient versions of Elon Musk, Donald Trump and Nick Saban showered WJ with gold, frankincense and myrrh, which was the first documented evidence of white privilege. DNA tests would later show that he was actually the son of a real estate developer who first gentrified Earth.

Jesus attended private school and interned at Joseph’s tech startup (carpentry was a very advanced industry in the early ADs) before gaining admission to one of Nazareth’s most exclusive institutions of higher learning. But, instead of graduating, WJ decided to go work for his real father, recruiting investors for a multilevel marketing corporation called white Christianity. Along with 12 salesmen who earned the title of “disciples,” Jesus preached an early version of the prosperity gospel, now known as capitalism. For less 10 percent of their income, Christians could eventually purchase a timeshare in a high-end development where the streets were paved with gold.

Although White Jesus was eventually killed by “big government” at the young age of 33, his make-believe legacy includes:

Blessing Christopher Columbus’ voyage to America.
Endowing white men with the exclusive rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Writing a constitution for a “Christian nation” without even having to mention Christianity.
Funding the human trafficking system that became history’s most lucrative, constitutional, race-based unpaid workforce now known as “slavery.”
Manifest destiny — the macro-gentrification initiative that included the genocide of Native Americans and the theft of their land.
Serving as the justification for the Crusades, white supremacy, lynching, separate but equal and “segregation today, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever.”
Deciding the gender of every human ever born, the fate of every vagina and the validity of every sexual relationship.

White Jesus is the first deity to be honored with the Lifetime Achievement Award in Wypipoingo because the actual Jesus was underqualified. Everyone knows Real Jesus wasn’t white but his ineligibility had nothing to do with his race or ethnicity. When the committee looked into the life’s work of actual Jesus, we found a transcript from a legal deposition of Real Jesus spreading an unpatriotic, anti-American, “woke” ideology:

Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying: “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?”

Jesus said unto him: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it: Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”

Matthew 22:35-40

He was immediately disqualified from all future award consideration.

Wypipo would never believe in something like that.

Michael Harriot is a writer, cultural critic and championship-level Spades player. His book, Black AF History: The Unwhitewashed Story of America, will be released in 2023.

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